The Warriors

The Warriors

1979

Directed by Walter Hill

Oh boy, where to start with this one. This film, for those who don't know, is the quintessence of cult. It was highly controversial for the time it was released, and allegedly instigated fights and riots within theaters. Real gangs even went to see this movie, and some people supposedly got killed. Despite the tragedies that may have been involved, that is seriously a  good sign for a movie to be realistic, gritty, violent and action-packed, right?

Wrong.

Maybe people back in the 70's were just too high, stupid, or both. This film has got to be one of the lamest things I've ever had the displeasure of watching. The plot, while simple, is what first intrigued me. Basically, all these gangs around New York are summoned to a secret meeting to form a massive treaty and all together band against authority. But all goes awry when meeting leader Cyrus is shot during his highly inspirational speech by Luther, leader of 'The Rogues', and is killed. Who does it mistakenly get blamed on? Why, the little old Warriors from Coney Island. The Warriors are then forced to flee for their lives, escaping the cops, but also every other gang out for their blood., trying to escape back to their home turf.

Everything about this movie is an absolute travesty. The characters, the script, the music, the action, the characters, the art direction, and the characters. Don't expect a gang of tough brawlers to be in the spotlight, because the Warriors are the wimpiest, most feather-blown, pampered gang members I have ever beheld. They're obnoxious, prissy, immature, and barely worth rooting for.

Nice Outfits Guys.

Every gang in NY apparently has a costume theme, and boy are they horrific. First off, you have the eponymous Warriors, with their awesome, open red pleather vests, exposing their bare chests almost completely devoid of hair. Then, throughout the story you meet guys like this:

"Can you dig this?"

Little leaguers who just raided KISS' dressing room. Alternatively, you have the hellishly brutal and creatively named "Punks".

Straight out of 'Deliverance'.

Overall-wearing trailer trash on roller skates. And so it goes. All of these groups of inner city, underprivileged kids apparently had the time and resources to make matching outfits and even embroidered team logos. The whole movie is like a game of dress-up. But the worst insult is that our beloved brave Warriors are clearly intimidated by these guys.

"What's that smell?"
"I just crapped my pants."

In addition to these horrendously lame gangs, you also have characters like Mercy,  who is part of some horribly tacked-on romantic subplot, where some kind of history is implied, but never explained whatsoever.

The script is grotesquely juvenile, seemingly written by a bunch of boys just out of junior high. The script has no flow, and many lines just don't make any sense. Worse still,  the profanity, while almost poetic in movies like the 'The Big Lebowski' or 'Glengarry Glen Ross', seems horribly tacked-on, and doesn't give the film any added sort of gritty realism that it so desperately needs.

The music, while minor compared to the rest of the glaring flaws, still has to be noted. It just sounds like a typical minimalist John Carpenter soundtrack, played to awfully average perfection on a cheap electronic keyboard. 

The biggest flaw besides the obnoxiously stupid and terribly designed characters is the action, or lack thereof. Film critic Leonard Maltin, or his legion of college students who write his reviews for him, praises "The vibrant use of color" and "lightning paced action". First off, I'd like to note that Maltin and his interns have the attention span of a gnat, as evidenced by overuse of the phrase "over-long" or variations of it, to describe movies under 3 hours long. These are the same guys who once gave Ridley Scott's sci-fi masterpiece, "Blade Runner" a 1 and a half star rating.

For a film that brags of starting riots, this film has a lack of violence. Sure there's fighting here and there, but interspersed among hours of The Warriors running away like sissies. The scenes with fighting, which are few and far-between, are totally lacking in realism. Basically a bunch of hits that don't feel like they connect, don't have any good sound or foley effects to enhance them, and are goofily choreographed. I still don't know what "vibrant use of color" refers to, but it's definitely not blood.

I can applaud the Warriors for a few things though. I suppose it tried to be a bit different, fine. Secondly, if hack director Walter Hill hadn't directed this, HE would've directed "Alien", my favorite film of all time, instead of Ridley Scott. I shudder to think of the film that could've been. Lastly, the character of Luther, main antagonist and leader of The Rogues, is so comically overdone and psychotic  that he totally makes the movie worth watching.

Oscar-worthy.

Overall, the Warriors is a fine example of how to do everything wrong. A movie boasting of its violent action is very lacking in violent action. The characters are lame, goofily designed, obnoxious, and the protagonists are impossible to root for. And ultimately, the script is as amateurish as they come. Top all that off with the movie ending in a freeze frame on the beach, and you've got yourself one of the most bafflingly overrated films ever made. 

A staple film for the category of "So bad, it's good"...sort of.

My Rating- A Can-You-Diggity 3/10

So long boppers, until next time.